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UniqPassion
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Posted: Mar 4th, 2006 01:54 AM |
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Hi Fam...
My question is: Why is that when I guy has a woman who is independent, working, & handling your business, they can't deal with it.
For instance, I ran into a couple situations on the dating scene where these , so-called "men" complained that I never had time for them, that I worked too much and that I never took anytime to just chill. I am at a point in my life where I am trying to make moves and if they are not going to flow with me, then I let them go...
Then they have the nerve to get pissed at me when I say that I am no longe interested.
I thought guys liked a woman who knows how to hold her own? Am I misunderstanding something here?????
UniqPassion
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insatiableus
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Posted: Mar 4th, 2006 02:28 AM |
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| Uniq.......You have the question for the ages! Unfortunately sweetie "we " don't know because "they" don't know, LOL. I promise to expand my reply later. I apologize but something came up.
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alkebulan
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Posted: Mar 4th, 2006 07:58 PM |
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i hope this doesn't com across as overly harsh, but i believe honesty, tactful honesty, is still better than quixotic story tale answers. u b the judge.
this flows like another 1 of those, "i'm not in a satisfying relationship, & i certainly should b b/c i've got it together so i kno it's not me, so, what's wrong w all these guys/gals (as the case may b)?" again, jus being honest, i'd hv 2 admit, i've wondered the same thing. it's a valid, if somewhat pejorative ?, and there r many possible answers. there r also some overgeneralizations n ur post.
"Why is that when I guy has a woman who is independent, working, & handling your business, they can't deal with it." unless u've dated EVERY male & found them 2 fit this description, u might consider saying "SOME men" instead of "they" can't handle it. namely, the men you've been getting with. tell me, who's selecting these men? when was the last time u objectively reviewed YOUR selection criterion?
i'm constantly hearing from both genders of how many good, solid, hardworking brothers/sisters r out there, alone & lonely primarily b/c they hvn't got the "right" packageing. f u review that past half dozen "so called men" u've been involved w & found they all came up "short", in ur estimation, how do u know the problem resides w them? could it be that some rigorous introspection is called for? obviously, i don't kno u, so i merely pose this question.
only u kno what constitutes the "right" packageing 4 u, but the selection factors i c n plenty of black women has to do w 1. material possesions: lives n the "right" neighborhood, nice house, nice clothes, drives an upscale car, etc. 2. income: earns an above average salary (btw, the national average 4 yt ppl n this country is now $33K, & 78% of blk ppl make less than that) 3. good-looking - gr8 teeth, grooming, physique, etc.
so, what's wrong w that? absolutely nothing. but if that describes, in essence, ur criterion, all u hv 2 do is purchase the issue of ebony that lists the 100 most elegible black bachlors n the u.s. & start a letter writing campaign. does this describe what every black woman uses 4 her selection criterion? of course not, but more than a few i've run across do.
also, keep n mind that if this is ur selection criterion, u ain't the only 1 seeking a black man like this. competition for the "rightouss black man" has gone global, while his presence sometimes seems on the verge of extinction. the plain truth, from my perspective, is that plenty of males & females regularly, predictably, overlook outstanding prospects, if not everyday, than 4 sho every couple of months b/c of some relatively minor attribute, real or imagined, they perceive in that person, which they simply find intolerable, or, less than what "they" should hv 2 contend with.
i also found this statement revealing: "I am at a point in my life where I am trying to make moves and if they are not going to flow with me, then I let them go..."
from my perspective, this sounds an awful lot like "my way or hit the highway" i didn't hear anything n that paragraph that suggested u wanted to come together w some1 & work together with them to achieve something harmoniously desired in the best interest of the UNION. i didn't hear anything resembling an attitude of compromise, negotiation, or a merging of goals & aspirations. if they're not going 2 flow w u, they're history.
"I thought guys liked a woman who knows how to hold her own? Am I misunderstanding something here?????"
don't kno f ur misunderstanding something or not, & obviously, i can't speak 4 any other guy but this 1, but here's my view. 4 sho, i luv a black woman who can hold her own, but there is a fine line b/t what i like to call "independent" vs. "liberated" thou som may use the terms interchangeably. 4 me, the independent woman is jus that, 1 who does not depend on some1 else 2 hv her basic needs met. she can, as u say, "hold her own". she has the basics: stable income, food & shelter, & assorted needs met w/o hving to compromise herself morally, spiritually, or physically with an exploitative male. on the other hand, 4 me, some "liberated" women (black or yt) takes things 1 step farther. they perceive themselves as dichotomized from all the traditional female roles, which they consider abusive stereotypes, which only serve to demean & enslave them. they r essentially males n every respect outside their genitals. i hv no idea y any black male would wish to get w som1 like that, but, to each his own.
i would never consider a serious, committed, monogomous relationship w a female that didn't recognize the value of a strong black man's leadership. i don't c that as demeaning her in any way, but perhaps i've got blinders on. as i stated elsewhere, i'm not n2 that 50 - 50 relationship thang. i consider myself ultimately responsible for the welfare of the family & the houshold & ever1 in it, & therefore, final decisions rest with me. the buck stops here. that doesn't mean, i'm free 2 make decisions for selfish motives, regardless of how other family members feel. that's not how u develop trust, luv, & harmony in a household. but, here's the crucial point: i'm not trying 2 advocate that 4 every1, or, n fact, 4 any1, that's jus how it will b n MY house. every1 else has to do it as they think best. they hv 2 find what works for them, in their household. i ain't living w them, & i don't care. i'm not trying to convert the world. but i insist on peace & harmony n my home.
i realize there will b som females reading this who will want to "tear me a new one", but that's o k. this is just ONE black man's opinion. take it or leave it.
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UniqPassion
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Posted: Mar 4th, 2006 10:39 PM |
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I value your opinion Alkebulan. I appreciate it as well. Maybe I shoud have gone more in depth with that statement. My frustration is..."Some" brothas claim that they need a woman who can hold her own...I have dated all types of brothas and the result is the same.
I believe in equality in the relationship, as I do not like to depend on one person to make sure things are taken care of. Just speaking from experience and I have to put my eggs in one basket as the old adage says.
I believe there are many guys out there who can handle what I do and what I stand for. I believe in treating a man like a king. I will put him on that thrown as long as the feelings are mutual.
There are too many instances where brothas take advantage and just let the female take care of him. Then there is the the brotha who respects you for doing your thing, but then claims you never have time, because you are focused.
I am not out to label all men as that type...but the # of brothas who are willing to take care of wifey and fam...are very low (like you said on the verge of extinction).
I've been in relationships where the guy they claim they respect me for what I do, but then when I tell them I am busy to chill they get all up tight and then question me as if I am cheating. When I say I have to let them go is because then the relationship is filled with drama...
I know this is a touchy subject but I want to hear everyone's opinion on this...
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Caramelpython
Junior Member
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Posted: Mar 5th, 2006 01:14 AM |
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 Alkie..brother u said a mouth full.
I believe when we do believe we have our ish together we tend to see the problem as the other persons and not our problems. Ihave been on both sodes of this arguement so I know alot of the in's and out's. We tend to be more judgemental when we have out "SHIT" together than we are when we don't. It's just how it is at timew we dont want to step down we always want to step up or at least stay on our own level.
My problem was when I was not doing as well as the womana was and she let me know it..man did she! I felt like I had to step up my game and always be onpoint about everything.She had the car, a house a great job and what I was working with on a monetary level didn't measure up at all. When u say something about not having time because of how u work, you also have to see that there are time u will have to give an extra effort to make time just because of the lack of time in your schedule. There is a difference between being focused and haveing tunnel vision!
Now when i was the one who had everything together I was not as harsh but I did expect for her to step up her game and come correct. I don't look down on anyone for any reason because my history has flaws as well.Now when I was busy like you I was accused of cheating and whatever but in looking back now i realize there were time I should have made the time for her.
So what I'm saying is that you cant just everyone in the same boat and say there are no men around, what you shopuld say is that...it's just a bit harder when u have to balance out your time.
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UniqPassion
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Posted: Mar 5th, 2006 01:35 AM |
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| Python my brotha...thank you for your insight. It is appreciated as well. Now I am beginning to understand more of what "some" brothas may think!
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Caramelpython
Junior Member
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Posted: Mar 5th, 2006 01:56 AM |
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 Anytime..look u are almost at 100
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alkebulan
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Posted: Mar 5th, 2006 05:11 PM |
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 UniqPassion
i value ur opinion as well. i neglected to include som additional comments b/c i had unexpected company & went ahead & posted my comments. after reading ur response, however, i 1st want 2 thank u 4 taking them n the spirit n which they were intended & not takeing them as a personal attack (which was definitely not my intention).
i should hv also shown more empathy n my original post, by saying how sorry i am that u r not as successful, @ the moment anyway, @ finding suitable companionship as u might like. many of us, including myself, r n the same boat, albeit, ostensibly at least, 4 different reasons. i do think my post (after re-reading it) suggests it may b all ur fault, & i don't actually believe that. n fact, i'm sure it isn't.
it remains, however, unsettling if, n fact, u hv dated "all types" w the same unsatisfactory results. r there any early warning signs that this person is, once again, not going 2 result n the desired relationship u so ernestly seek? hv u locked urself n2 a certain arbitrary age range, or restricted geographical area? in discussions w ur gf's, hv they experienced the same unfullfilling, immature disposition from some black males that u seem to b running n2?
as difficult as it is to accept, the demographic reality, n the u.s. at least, is, there isn't an available, desireable, responsible black man for every black woman n this country, &, sadly, that situation isn't likely to improve soon. this all but forces a certain % of sisters to make choices they aren't entirely comfortable with: sharing a man, or, obtaining the solace & support they seek from outside their race. i am not attempting 2 b an advocate 4 either of those 'solutions' n ur case, or n general, i'm merely pointing that out. that may xplain, n a small part, y some of the brothers u describe r able 2 get away w that 4 as long as they do (hving women take care of them).
trying 2 end this on a more hopeful note, i still hv 2 believe it's not only possible, but likely u will b able to find ur soulmate, but it may well require a longer & more dilligent search than what we hv come 2 expect. i believe mate selection has become much mor complicated these days vs. when our parents & their parents did it. we will hv 2 become mor creative n our searches, & perhaps even, (n my case) internationalize them. there r brothers & sisters all ova the world. 
i sincerely wish u gr8, eventual success w this quest 
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UniqPassion
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Posted: Mar 5th, 2006 06:19 PM |
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Alkebulan,
It's all love here. I indeed have heard from some other females that gone through this...that was why I decided to bring it to Vizhenz to see what others may think.
I am not saying all brothas are this way..however in my personal opinion, I wish there were more that have ambition.
Thanks for your input on this topic!
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Caramelpython
Junior Member
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Posted: Mar 10th, 2006 12:35 AM |
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| Humm I wonder why more of the women havent put their opinions into this one.
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