Effective 1/2/2007:

  Dress Code:
  You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
  If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will
  assume
  you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
  If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so
  that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
  If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and
therefore
  you do not need a raise.
 
  Sick Days:
  We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness.
  If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
 
  Personal Days:
  Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
  Saturdays & Sundays.
 
  Bereavement Leave:
  This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for
dead
  friends, relatives or co-workers.
  Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral
  arrangements.
  In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral
should
  be scheduled in the late afternoon.
  We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and
  subsequently leave one hour early.
 
  Bathroom Breaks:
  Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet.
  There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls.
  At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper
roll
  will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken.
  After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company
  bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
  Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the
  company's mental health policy.
 
  Lunch Break:
  Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so
that
  they can look healthy.
  Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to
  maintain their average
  figure.
  Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time
needed
  to drink a Slim-Fast.
 
  Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
  positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,
  concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
  insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation
and
  input should be directed elsewhere.
 
  The Management